Things were bound to change…Whether I wanted them to or not was beyond me.
I had unconsciously stepped over the line I promised myself I was going to stay away from… and now.. I was so far from the line I couldn’t see it anymore.
I was in too deep and it was getting harder to breath.
My emotions had taken over and they weren’t rational or logical. They were all over the place… crazy… beautiful… random feelings.
It was like these emotions were in a deep slumber and something had awoken them, to be more precise someone had awoken them.
Someone I needed to stay away from, someone I couldn’t trust myself around.
I had lost all control, my mind was not my own… my thoughts were not my own… nothing belonged to me anymore…
He had taken over everything that I called my own. He had turned me into the one thing I hated most – an irrational love-stricken fool.
But I would be damned before I would admit that to him or to anyone else at that matter.
I kept telling myself it was a phase, waking up every morning wishing these feelings would simply go away as easily and suddenly as they have appeared.
Yet every time I saw a missed call from him, those butterflies would act up again. Didn’t they ever go away? Would they never leave me? Can’t they just let me be?
I tried avoiding him… but that just refused to work… he wanted to be around and deep down inside I wanted him to want to be around…
It was crazy… it was a vicious cycle and I was the catalyst.
I could have stopped it… I really could have if I wanted to. But I kept lying to myself… telling myself that there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it…
It was meant to be…
And the fairytale princess inside me blossomed with the thought a happily ever after and a devoted prince on a white steed.
I was more than thankful when winter break was just around the corner, I had just finished my exams… the most important ones… the ones which would decide my future and I needed a break from all the stress and worry. My family were planning a skiing trip to Lebanon and I was eternally grateful that I would be able to get away… even if it was only for a week or so…
I thought that maybe… If I was away from his intoxicating effect on me things would become clearer… I could think about matters with my usual rationality and logic. How I missed that… putting things in perspective and getting thoughts straightened out.
Obviously I would come up with a better way to handle all of this… I couldn’t avoid him forever… I didn’t want to avoid him forever…
I packed my bag with great joy and the hugest smile on my face. I needed this trip… I knew I was going to enjoy it… I was going to make sure I enjoyed it.
My phone rang while I was deciding whether I should take my ghd or go without it for a couple of days…
Dreamer: Snow-Goddess speaking… Hello…
Stranger: Do you answer all random numbers like that or did you have a feeling it was me?
*fuckity fuck fuck… I honestly thought it was my cousin calling from her mums phone *
Dreamer: I thought it was my cousin calling… she said she was gonna call if she was coming over…
Stranger: oh… ok
Both of us went silent… not knowing what to say…
Why did it feel so awkward…?
It used to be so easy to talk to him…
Stranger: I just wanted to call you before your flight tomorrow… I know you’re gonna be busy and all…
Dreamer: umm yeah sure… thanks I guess…
Stranger: Dreamer… I’m gonna miss you….
Dreamer: it’s only for a couple of days… its not as if I’m gonna leave and never come back.
How that thought seemed tempting at that moment.
Stranger: yeah I know… but I’m gonna miss you…
Dreamer: I’ll miss you too… but I’ll be back before you even know it…
Stranger: enshallah… Have fun 7abebti…
Dreamer: will do… thanks
Stranger: Bye
If I could slam my head into the wall and have a 100% guarantee that I will not come out of it alive I would have.
I deserved it… he was being nothing but nice and genuinely caring and I couldn’t be acting more like a bitch.
I was glad I was taking the time off to think about it… I had to.
***
Beirut was freezing… I was loving the cold breeze on my face and the usual murmur of the cosmopolitan city, I was slowly regretting not bringing fancier outfits and gradually I found myself meshing in with all the numerous shoppers.
I had a whole wardrobe to buy in a couple of days before we headed out to the slopes.
I had left my phone back home, since it had no roaming feature and part of me was thankful for that… and part of me was craving to hear his voice to hear him say my name to hear him say so many other things.
My mum walked up to me while I was gazing aimlessly at a hideous purple dress.
Mum: really?
Dreamer: huh?
Mum: your taste has surely changed.
Dreamer: what taste?
Mum: whats wrong with you?
Dreamer: nothing, I’m fine… tired… all that shopping…
Mum: aha…
And then I saw it in her hand and instantly I knew what I needed to do.
Dreamer: mama… can I have that international calling card you got there.
Mum: why? Who do you want to call?
Dreamer: Cousin, she wanted me to tell her exactly when we’re coming back home.
Mum: ok… don’t take to long I just bought it and I want to call your dad tonight.
Dreamer: Sure thing…
And off I went looking for a payphone. Trying to look innocent and not at all scared shitless.
I got to a phone in the corner of the mall and dialled a number I knew too well.
Stranger: Aloo...
Dreamer: aloo
Stranger: ALOO… !!!!
Dreamer: Goddamn it.
Stranger: Dreamer? Is that you?
Dreamer: yeah… yeah… it’s me… hey
Stranger: are you ok? If everything ok?
Dreamer: yeah… everything’s fine… just thought I’d call and say hi.
Stranger: Hi…
Dreamer: Hii… *real smooth… idiot*
Stranger: I want you to hear a song… every time I listen to it I remember you.
Dreamer: ok…
And then I heard it… and song* that reduced my knees to jelly and filled my heart with a warm tingling sensation, and the butterflies made an entrance.
I closed my eyes and enjoyed every single word and I knew right then and there that there was no use fighting it. There was no use pushing him away. He was already part of me…
* http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Sg1BgHZRYdw
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