The boy holding the Frappuccino

I don’t know how long I stood there… or exactly how much of the card I was using up. All I knew was that suddenly I was brought back to reality with a jump.

Mama: you’re still on the phone? We’ve been looking all over for you?
Dreamer: Oh… mama… ummm yeah I’m hanging up now.

Dreamer: aloo… aloo
Stranger: hallah? Haa you liked the song?
Dreamer: yeah I did… I loved it. Anyway I better go I’m using up all the credit on the card.
Stranger: when are you coming back? I miss you wayed.
Dreamer: we’re coming back on Monday. At night… I’m not sure what time… figure it out… I have to go… Bye.
Stranger: Bye

I pulled the card out of the payphone and turned around and apparently the look on my face made my mum ask…

Mum: what was that all about?
Dreamer: nothing… lets go eat… I’m starving!!!

According to me, this trip could not get any better but seeing as fate is sometimes cruel I woke up the next morning with a throbbing headache and no amount of painkillers I consumed made it go away, I didn’t want my day in Beirut to be wasted in the hotel room so I decided to bear the pain and accompanied my family to a café down town, I figured I could get the rest I needed on the bus the next morning on our way to the mountains.
Walking down the street I could feel my headache getting worse. The noise and the crowded sidewalk were not helping at all…
And out of no where I saw his face…
I felt my heart literally fall into the pit of my stomach and a stab of guilt pierced my insides.
There he was… the boy I had so mercilessly told I had no feelings for.
He had told me days ago that he was coming here for vacation with his mates but I’d completely forgotten about it seeing as it was a huge city and I couldn’t possibly bump into him in this crowd.
He was gradually coming closer… and I panicked… I didn’t know whether to smile or look away… did I deserve to smile at him after what I did?
And then we passed each other and right then he proved to me why I respected him so much. He simply smiled at me and gave me a polite nod.
His reaction to seeing me somehow made me feel even more guilt than before and suddenly my headache was too much to bear and I decided to stop thinking. Just stop thinking.

The next day I was awoken quite abruptly by my brother’s phone vibrating on the table next to my head.
I fumbled around for his phone and stared at the blinking screen.
It was a message from my dad.
I opened the message figuring my brother wouldn’t mind since it wasn’t private or anything and I read the message slowly and tears rolled down my face, happy ecstatic tears. I immediately woke my mum up and told her the good news.

Dreamer: mama… I aced my exams… I got a 95% total!!!

At that moment I doubted if there was a happier person in the world. Everything seemed brighter and more luminous. People seemed more bearable and crude city noises became symphonies.
I had worked so hard and it had paid off… my parents couldn’t be prouder and I couldn’t stop smiling.
Going skiing that day only left me feeling pumped up and full of adrenaline… I loved it. I loved everything. Everything was perfect.
The days went by mostly spent shopping, dining out and skiing and soon it was time to leave… I would miss this place but deep down I knew that I was going back home to something wonderful something real and everlasting.
This trip had been exactly what I needed and had turned out to be everything I hoped for.
Too bad I couldn’t say the same about the flight back home. It was full of turbulence and flashing of the seat belt sign but thankfully we landed on solid ground.
We were home.
I waited for our luggage impatiently wanting to leave the airport knowing that on the other side of those doors my dad was waiting for me… I couldn’t wait to see him knowing how happy and proud of me he was.
I couldn’t possibly wait any longer… I left my mum and brother waiting for the luggage and walked out the doors looking for my dads face…
As I was looking around I heard a distinct cough… I turned my head and saw him… looking at me with the hugest grin on his face and a frappuccino in his hand.
I looked back at him glowing… wanting to run over to him… wanting to hug him and hold him close… wanting desperately to tell him my good news… to tell him how happy I was, how amazing everything was but thankfully the sane part of my brain took over… so I gave him what I could only hope was a seductive smile and a little wave and turned away… looking for dad mindlessly as all my thoughts were all the way on the other side with the boy holding the frappuccino.
At last I spotted my dads smiling face in the crowd and found myself running over to him… I hugged him tightly not wanting to let go feeling safe and secure, the minute he hugged him he lifted me up and twirled me around, just like a scene from a movie. I knew he was overjoyed, I was so glad.
He finally let go of me… I stood beside him blushing… embarrassed of him making such a scene in public but loving the fact that he was that happy with me. My dad put his arms around my shoulders squeezing me tight, my arms pinned to my side waiting for the rest of them to find us… and in the corner of my eyes I saw him walking past me…
And I felt his hand graze my fingers… I felt him watching me… and my face turned into an even brighter shade of red.

It must be something in the air…

Things were bound to change…
Whether I wanted them to or not was beyond me.
I had unconsciously stepped over the line I promised myself I was going to stay away from… and now.. I was so far from the line I couldn’t see it anymore.
I was in too deep and it was getting harder to breath.
My emotions had taken over and they weren’t rational or logical. They were all over the place… crazy… beautiful… random feelings.
It was like these emotions were in a deep slumber and something had awoken them, to be more precise someone had awoken them.
Someone I needed to stay away from, someone I couldn’t trust myself around.
I had lost all control, my mind was not my own… my thoughts were not my own… nothing belonged to me anymore…
He had taken over everything that I called my own. He had turned me into the one thing I hated most – an irrational love-stricken fool.
But I would be damned before I would admit that to him or to anyone else at that matter.
I kept telling myself it was a phase, waking up every morning wishing these feelings would simply go away as easily and suddenly as they have appeared.
Yet every time I saw a missed call from him, those butterflies would act up again. Didn’t they ever go away? Would they never leave me? Can’t they just let me be?
I tried avoiding him… but that just refused to work… he wanted to be around and deep down inside I wanted him to want to be around…
It was crazy… it was a vicious cycle and I was the catalyst.
I could have stopped it… I really could have if I wanted to. But I kept lying to myself… telling myself that there was absolutely nothing I could do to stop it…
It was meant to be…
And the fairytale princess inside me blossomed with the thought a happily ever after and a devoted prince on a white steed.

I was more than thankful when winter break was just around the corner, I had just finished my exams… the most important ones… the ones which would decide my future and I needed a break from all the stress and worry. My family were planning a skiing trip to Lebanon and I was eternally grateful that I would be able to get away… even if it was only for a week or so…
I thought that maybe… If I was away from his intoxicating effect on me things would become clearer… I could think about matters with my usual rationality and logic. How I missed that… putting things in perspective and getting thoughts straightened out.
Obviously I would come up with a better way to handle all of this… I couldn’t avoid him forever… I didn’t want to avoid him forever…
I packed my bag with great joy and the hugest smile on my face. I needed this trip… I knew I was going to enjoy it… I was going to make sure I enjoyed it.
My phone rang while I was deciding whether I should take my ghd or go without it for a couple of days…

Dreamer: Snow-Goddess speaking… Hello…
Stranger: Do you answer all random numbers like that or did you have a feeling it was me?
*fuckity fuck fuck… I honestly thought it was my cousin calling from her mums phone *
Dreamer: I thought it was my cousin calling… she said she was gonna call if she was coming over…
Stranger: oh… ok

Both of us went silent… not knowing what to say…
Why did it feel so awkward…?
It used to be so easy to talk to him…

Stranger: I just wanted to call you before your flight tomorrow… I know you’re gonna be busy and all…
Dreamer: umm yeah sure… thanks I guess…
Stranger: Dreamer… I’m gonna miss you….
Dreamer: it’s only for a couple of days… its not as if I’m gonna leave and never come back.

How that thought seemed tempting at that moment.

Stranger: yeah I know… but I’m gonna miss you…
Dreamer: I’ll miss you too… but I’ll be back before you even know it…
Stranger: enshallah… Have fun 7abebti…
Dreamer: will do… thanks
Stranger: Bye

If I could slam my head into the wall and have a 100% guarantee that I will not come out of it alive I would have.
I deserved it… he was being nothing but nice and genuinely caring and I couldn’t be acting more like a bitch.
I was glad I was taking the time off to think about it… I had to.

***

Beirut was freezing… I was loving the cold breeze on my face and the usual murmur of the cosmopolitan city, I was slowly regretting not bringing fancier outfits and gradually I found myself meshing in with all the numerous shoppers.
I had a whole wardrobe to buy in a couple of days before we headed out to the slopes.
I had left my phone back home, since it had no roaming feature and part of me was thankful for that… and part of me was craving to hear his voice to hear him say my name to hear him say so many other things.
My mum walked up to me while I was gazing aimlessly at a hideous purple dress.

Mum: really?
Dreamer: huh?
Mum: your taste has surely changed.
Dreamer: what taste?
Mum: whats wrong with you?
Dreamer: nothing, I’m fine… tired… all that shopping…
Mum: aha…

And then I saw it in her hand and instantly I knew what I needed to do.

Dreamer: mama… can I have that international calling card you got there.
Mum: why? Who do you want to call?
Dreamer: Cousin, she wanted me to tell her exactly when we’re coming back home.
Mum: ok… don’t take to long I just bought it and I want to call your dad tonight.
Dreamer: Sure thing…

And off I went looking for a payphone. Trying to look innocent and not at all scared shitless.
I got to a phone in the corner of the mall and dialled a number I knew too well.

Stranger: Aloo...
Dreamer: aloo
Stranger: ALOO… !!!!
Dreamer: Goddamn it.
Stranger: Dreamer? Is that you?
Dreamer: yeah… yeah… it’s me… hey
Stranger: are you ok? If everything ok?
Dreamer: yeah… everything’s fine… just thought I’d call and say hi.
Stranger: Hi…
Dreamer: Hii… *real smooth… idiot*
Stranger: I want you to hear a song… every time I listen to it I remember you.
Dreamer: ok…

And then I heard it… and song* that reduced my knees to jelly and filled my heart with a warm tingling sensation, and the butterflies made an entrance.
I closed my eyes and enjoyed every single word and I knew right then and there that there was no use fighting it. There was no use pushing him away. He was already part of me…

* http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=Sg1BgHZRYdw

And then it all began…

My heart froze in its place and just as any reflex action I immediately snatched my hand back and placed it on the book… where it was supposed to be all along.
I looked up at the door expecting the worst…
And I felt myself relax as I saw some random guy looking for somewhere quite to study, the minute he saw us he apologized and left the room, closing the door behind him.
I wanted that door to stay open, I needed that door to stay open.
I sighed in relief and stared at the textbook refusing to look at him. I was so embarrassed, how could I let myself be swept away in the moment like that, how could I leave all reason and sanity outside that classroom door?
I felt myself blushing remembering the touch of his hands and the sound of his voice and that only made me even angrier.
I looked up at him rage and anger in my eyes.
And he just smiled.

Stranger: I’m sorry

And just like that all the rage drained out of me.

Dreamer: nothing to be sorry about.
Stranger: ok…

I looked at the textbook and wondered how something as simple as “yes, I’ll help you with bio” turn into something so complicated and strangely alluring.
And there I go again blushing like crazy, I placed a hand on my face and felt the heat building up, it was like I had a fever.
And just as if touching my face was an open invitation to him, he took my hand and placed it on his forehead.

Stranger: Do I have a fever? It feels like I have a fever….
Dreamer: You don’t have a fever… and give me my hand back… that’s like the oldest trick in the book you idiot…
Stranger: *slutty smile* caught me there.

I took my hand back and placed it on my lap… away from him.
I couldn’t afford to let that happen again.
He was toxic, he was poison…
He changed whatever came into his path… and sadly as I’ve noticed not to the better.

***

I’m not much of a comforter, it doesn’t mean that I don’t try. It’s just that when I see someone crying it tears me up inside and all the comforting words and the sweet comments seem to desert me and all I do is give them a hug and refuse to let go.
I walked into school and immediately heard the faint sounds of sobbing in a corner.
I tried to walk away, I tried to ignore it but automatically I felt myself walking towards it. Mostly out of curiosity.
And I saw her sitting there… the new transfer student.

Dreamer: umm… hey, are you okay?
Transfer: No… I don’t understand why he won’t talk to me anymore.
Dreamer: ahhh… boy trouble. I don’t think I can really help you there.
Transfer: You can *sob*… you know him *sob*… he likes you*sniffle*… he respects you… he always talks about you…
Dreamer: who?
Transfer: Stranger.
Dreamer: God damn it.
Transfer: What?
Dreamer: nothing… I have to go.

And just like that I walked away. Forgetting she was still crying, forgetting she was still in some kind of pain.
He wasn’t in school yet. He was never on time.
I took my phone out of my bag and called him…

Stranger: Aloo?
Dreamer: what is wrong with you? Can’t you keep it in your pants for once?
Stranger: ok… I can tell you’re angry.
Dreamer: smart…
Stranger: ok… *yawn* so tell me what I’ve done now.
Dreamer: Forget it… you’re such a…. guy.

I hung up and switched off my phone.
Why was I overreacting?
He didn’t owe me anything… he didn’t even owe me an explanation. Yet here I was standing in the middle of the yard feeling nothing but rage and… a hint of jealousy?
And then it dawned on me.
This couldn’t be happening.
I couldn’t really be in love with him?
What happened to it being just infatuation? Something along the lines of shameless lust and yearning.
I closed my eyes and tried to reason with my heart, but that wasn’t helpful at all… my heart had silenced the voice in my head that kept me sane and collected.
I was all over the place… I was having a headache.
If this was love… then I didn’t want anything to do with it.
And then I felt them… the infamous butterflies in the stomach…

Something had to be done!!! This was unacceptable.

First Time

He knew me like no one else could possibly know me.
He knew what I would say before I even thought of it.
He knew if something was wrong from the way I took in my breath.
He never thought that it was childish or dramatic if I took out my anger on him, quite the opposite really, he told me he found it adorable when little things bugged me, he said it showed I cared.
Whether he meant that I cared about him or that I cared about the things that bugged me was beyond me but I wasn’t the type of girl that would turn down a compliment or over analyze it.
Our conversations became more intimate as the days went by and I found myself craving to tell him every little thought that popped into my head.

I still haven’t told him that he made my heart skip a beat
Or the fact that my palms would get sweaty when he smiled at me even if it was freezing cold outside.
He didn’t know that he was the only person that could make me blush when I noticed him staring at me.
I haven’t told him that I thought about him and that I dreamed about having the perfect conversation with him, where he would be hanging at my every word and it would end with a scene from a cheesy romantic movie where he would tell me he loved me and would carry me away along the horizon.

There wasn’t anything physical about our friendship, I wouldn’t hug him hello every morning the way I did my other friends, I wouldn’t even playfully push him or mess his hair although I did that comfortably with all my other buddies.
I felt too self conscious around him.
I would even actually think about witty comments and jokes when I was around him whereas when I was with my other friends they came so naturally and so easily.
I was too afraid to say the wrong thing or act the wrong way.

And then it happened. As surprisingly as a snow storm in the middle of a blazing summers day.

Stranger: How the hell am I supposed to study for AS bio?
Dreamer: Like normal people do… you know maybe learn something from a book?
Stranger: you’re good at bio… you’re really good at bio… you can tutor me.
Dreamer: ummm yeah sure, I can do that. Which chapters do you find difficult?
Stranger: the bio chapters.
Dreamer: this is gonna take a while.
Stranger: i LOVE you!!!! I’m gonna ace that exam because of you….
Dreamer:…….
Stranger: are you okay? your face turned red… *sly smile*
Dreamer: nothing I’m fine. Its just really hot in here… ok umm lets go to the common room and do a bit of bio before my AS chem. class.
Stranger: no no… its too noisy in there. Lets find an empty classroom, it would be more quite and I could concentrate more on you… WITH you…
Dreamer: yeah… riiight…. Empty classroom… ok

I reluctantly followed him to an empty class room in our new senior block just a couple of rooms away from the noisy, packed, safe common room.
I sat down on a desk near the door… what was I thinking? Easy escape?
What was I afraid off…?
We were just two friends helping each other out with school work. Nothing to worry about.
I took a deep breath and took out my trusty bio textbook and stared at the contents page for what seemed like an hour. I knew that textbook inside out yet I didn’t know where to begin or how to begin. I had tutored so many people before but with him I was blank, my brain was refusing to function.
And then I felt his hand slowly touching mine, he lifted my hands from the table and he interlocked his fingers with mine….
I felt a chill run down my spine and the voice in my head that I keep ignoring was screaming in protest.
I was still staring down at that page.
I finally decided to look up…
And I saw his eyes looking into mine.
The voice in my head suddenly went silent.
He smiled.

Stranger: your hands are tiny.
Dreamer:……
Stranger: seriously, my hands look like a giants compared to yours.
Dreamer:…….
Stranger: do you want me to let go of your hands?
Dreamer: no

He took my hand and kissed the tip of my little finger.
I looked at him with eyes wide as saucers.
I was so shocked, I was speechless.
I was shocked that he kissed my hand.
I was even more shocked that I didn’t seem to mind, I wasn’t objecting to him holding my hand or kissing it or even looking at me with such intensity and emotion.
I really do think that at that moment my mind had frozen.
My senses were numb. My rationality was dumbstruck.
My sense of right or wrong was too mixed up to function.
Nothing in me moved. My eyes refused to stop gazing right into his.

I don’t know how long we sat there or why we sat there in silence.
I forgot that we were still in school, in an empty classroom supposed to be studying.
And then the classroom door opened….

If feelings were written on our face

I never thought that making him part of my life would affect me so drastically.
I found myself blushing uncontrollably when he complimented me, I found myself shy away from his intense gaze but most of all I found myself looking forward to waking up in the morning and putting on that ridiculous uniform.
He wasn’t at all what I expected.
He wasn’t the big headed, patronizing git I so desperately wanted him to be.
It was very hard to hate him or stay angry with him for long and boy did I get angry with him.
He wasn’t what I would call a gentleman but he was kind and respectful but only to the people he thought deserved it, which was mostly why I argued with him so much.
Girls to him were like toys, and toys that he would lose interest in easily and most of our arguments would revolve around that issue specifically, although there was the smoking and the partying and the bad company but who was I to tell him what to do?
Who was I, for him to even care what I thought?
Each day I grew closer to him and each day I tried so hard to pull away.
I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to be infatuated with someone like him, at least I hoped it was infatuation.
Soon enough we became inseparable and to my fear I found myself falling for him despite all my caution and the barriers I tried so hard to hide behind.
It was as if I’ve known him forever.
Text messages slowly but surely turned into phone calls.
I would answer his calls with a foolish smile on my face and the most girlish giggle in my heart.
My face would automatically turn beet root red and my voice barely a whisper.

This state of euphoria sadly wouldn’t last all that long as one night I got a text message.

“Dreamer, you don’t want to get involved with a guy like me… I swear. You have no idea how much trouble having someone like me in your life would be. You’re better off without me I promise.”

I looked at the message and felt the anger burn inside me and without warning white hot tears were streaming down my face and all I kept thinking was, What an egotistic bastard !!!!
Thinking that I was that caught up with him and his stupid life that I actually wanted to get INVOLVED with someone like him, the nerve!!!!!
To assume that I wanted a self absorbed idiot to be part of my life, although I haven’t even once mentioned that I cared or that I even bothered?

My phone rang. My heart stopped.
It was a message. Thank God.

“Dreamer, 7abebti, Stop crying.”

Harsh Words Sent With Love…

I was falling madly and deeply in love with him and I did not want to be caught.
Was it for real? Was it the right way to go?
My heart refused to listen to the screams coming from my brain telling me to stop, telling me to hold back.
My brain kept telling me that nothing good could ever come out of it yet my heart was already hearing the words coming out of my mouth.

But first things first…

I’m really sorry but I have to tell you this, you said you would wait… but I need you to know that I don’t have these kinds of feelings for you… and I might never do… I feel terrible… but I couldn’t have you living your life thinking that it would somehow work out between us…
I typed these words and looked at the enter button… I had to… no matter how bad I felt no matter how hard it was.
I could no longer live knowing that I was falling for someone… someone else.
I pushed the button and waited for his calm words to tell me that he forgives me, for that was the kind of person he was sweet, caring and most of all understanding.

“I don’t believe this!!!! You have no shame what so ever!!!! I can’t believe you’re telling me this… go to Hell!!!!”

I stared at the screen and felt the tears in my eyes. I had broken his heart and I deserved every harsh word he spat at me.
I deserved it for leaving it till now….
I just thought I would fall in love with him…. I honestly did.
I cried bitter tears that night…
He was an important person in my life… someone I spent many days and nights talking to, complaining to…
I appreciated him and respected him…
And I deserved it… I deserved it all…

Two weeks later

“I’m sorry I just blew up like that… forgive me… its just I was shocked… surprised… it wasn’t the way I pictured things going between us.
I just never thought to hear those words from you…
I still stand by what I said to you before…
I’ll wait for you…”

I was speechless.
I was shocked.
I was a bitch.

Who throws away love like that? Who in their right mind leaves something so pure… something so sure… and lusts over something so fragile and seemingly mediocre in comparison.
But my heart wasn’t in it…
I couldn’t possibly allow it to go on any longer…
It was against everything I believed love to be.
Love was supposed to consume a person, fill you up with emotions you never knew you could experience.
Love was meant to change you… make you want to be a better you for the person you wanted most in this world.
Love wasn’t what I felt for him…
Not that all-consuming love anyway…

Wrong Number… and I couldn’t be happier

Phases: please please please can you call my cousin… I had a fight with her and I really need to apologize but she wont pick up… can you please call her and tell her I need to talk to her.
Dreamer: I don’t even know your cousin… can’t you call her house or something or go over there and apologize… she’ll appreciate the grand gesture!!!
Phases: PLEASE!!! Just call her and tell her I need to talk to her… PLEASE
Dreamer: ok ok fine… give me her number…

I dialled the number thinking to myself such high school drama… when will it ever end…
Finally someone picked up the phone… the voice I heard almost made me throw the phone and run and hide under the table… what good that would do I would never know.

Guy: Aloo
Dreamer: ummm sorry I think I dialled the wrong number… Sorry Bye
Guy: wait… who is this?
Dreamer: no one I have the wrong number… Bye

OMG… could that be him?
I called phases trying to make sense of what just happened.

Dreamer: I think you gave me the wrong number.
Phases: *giggles* no I didn’t
Dreamer: Yeah you did… a guy answered the phone not your cousin…
Phases: HA HA HA oh my god oh my god oh my god….
Dreamer: What the hell is wrong with you?
Phases: do you know who you just called?
Dreamer: some dude...
Phases: not just any dude… that was Stranger!!!!
Dreamer: F*** you!!!!!

I hung up and threw the phone on my bed!!! I sounded like a complete idiot!!! He’s gonna think I’m a retard…
Wait… unless he doesn’t know that was me…
Damn her!!! When will she ever grow up!!!!

Dreamer: did he know that was me?
Phases: Nope… I’m gonna tell him though… hehe
Dreamer: ok listen… if you tell him that was me I will shove that phone down your throat!!! Got it?
Phases: Fine fine… whatever

I could not have been more nervous going to school that morning… I’ve never been this nervous going into my final exams!!!
He doesn’t know it was me… he couldn’t possibly have guessed it was me…

I was sitting on my favourite steps outside our senior block… skipping physics like I usually did…
And out of no where walks stranger with phases…

Phases: yeah so Stranger… tell me bout this chick that called you and said it was a wrong number… weird ha?
Stranger: yeah she didn’t bother to ask who I was just in case the phone she called belonged to the person she was dialling for…
Phases: well… people are weird…

If the looks I gave her were real daggers she would be dead by now laying in a pool of her own blood.
The miserable git…!!! Why does she need all this drama… couldn’t she just let it go…

Phases: Hey Dreamer… did you call someone at about that time and tell them it was a wrong number?

Stranger looked at me… and for some reason looked genuinely shocked… amused… but still shocked…

Dreamer: I don’t remember…
Stranger: don’t you?
Dreamer: Nope… I don’t recall calling a wrong number…
Phases: yeah you did!!! I told you too!!!
Dreamer: ok… I’m leaving now…

I walked away feeling my nails digging into my palms…
What is wrong with her…?

Stranger: Dreamer… wait

I turned around and felt my knees getting weak…
I might have liked watching him walk away… but watching him walking towards me… looking at me with those hazel eyes wasn’t only a better view… but it made me want to walk towards him… no… not walk… run…. Run into his arms…
But I stopped myself and just stared at him trying to look annoyed… maybe even pissed off?

Stranger: listen… I know it was you who called… I couldn’t forget a voice like yours. I know you don’t really like me… but now I have your number… I won’t call you or even text you unless it’s okay with you… I would never do anything unless you wanted me to.
Dreamer: it was a joke… Phases thought it would be funny… can’t say I agree with her though…
Stranger: she didn’t mean any harm… she knows I won’t do anything about it…
Dreamer: thanks… anyway I have to go I’m late for class
Stranger: class ends in 10 minutes
Dreamer: oh well then ummm… I’m really late for class
Stranger: could we at least try to be friends?
Dreamer: ok… I’ll try… I can’t promise you anything… but I’ll try…
Stranger: that’s all I want… *wink*
Dreamer: ok then… ummm see you around…

Stranger: yeah… see you Dreamer

He’s walking away… and I’m loving the view…

He would grab her from her wrist and pull her towards him with passion you would only see in movies, she would fall into his arms and allow him to shower her with kisses, kisses she was craving for so long.
Yeah… dreams… Good fun aren’t they?

There was this friend she knew in school her name was Phases… obviously not a name her parents picked out… but a name that suits her well… for she went through different phases through out those years they knew each other…
Punk rocker phase, typical Kuwaiti phase, slutty phase, boy crazy phase and who could forget the oh so famous Goth/emo phase…
You might wonder how she fits in this story… well she had a thing for Stranger… a school girl crush which she shared quite openly with me… and being the person I am… I listened… mocked silently… and listened some more…
Our parents knew each other and it wasn’t so easy to break bonds that parents so desperately want you to keep.
So I would occasionally hang out with her and listen to her boy crazy stories and laugh when needed…

Phases: what do you think of Stranger?
Dreamer: huh?
Phases: What do you think of stranger? I really like him… Oh my God… he’s soooo HOT !!!!
Dreamer: aha… hot ha?
Phases: oh come on dreamer… u have to admit he’s hot…!!!!
Dreamer: listen!!! He’s hot-ish… but he’s also a sleaze bag with no respect for anyone and especially no respect for girls… I don’t know why you want to be associated with him…
Phases: you’re sooo mean!!!!! He only says the nicest things about you

Shit… could she see me blushing…? I hid my face in the crappy teen magazine I was pointlessly looking at.
Why would he say nice things about me? He doesn’t even know me?
Why would he even talk about me AT ALL?!!!

Phases: yeah well… whatever… I like him and I think he’s seriously hot… he reminds me of Orlando Bloom.
Dreamer: EW… Shut up!!!!

Phases gets a message… reads it and smiles…

Phases: let’s go to starbucks… I need my caffeine.
Dreamer: can’t you get your caffeine at home?
Phases: Nope…
Dreamer: uuugghhhh FINE.

Sitting at starbucks staring at that damn magazine again…

Dreamer: someone should force feed this stick insect!! EW her ribs are showing… that’s just nasty… she looks like she’s going to break… seriously look at this…
Stranger: ok… gimme a look.
OMG!!!! No F***ing way!!!!!

Dreamer: what are you doing here?
Stranger: phases told me you two were here so I thought I would drop by and say hi.
Dreamer: ummm you saw us at school just a couple of hours ago
Stranger: can’t get enough of seeing you…
Dreamer: take a picture… it’ll last longer
Stranger: ouch… can’t you be a bit nicer to me since I’m making the effort?
Dreamer: Nope…
Stranger: Phases, how are you doing?
Phases: *sigh* I’m fine

Freaking raging hormones!!!
Stranger sat down next to me and starting fiddling with my bag… Does he not know that it’s rude to look inside a girl’s purse?
Who am I kidding? Off course he doesn’t know… he has no manners!!!! The animal!!!!

Dreamer: will you please stop touching things that don’t belong to you?
Stranger: just a matter of time before they do belong to me… *wink*

Did my heart just skip a beat?
Did I just shamelessly enjoy that tacky line?

Stranger: Anyway… it’s been fun girlies… but I gotta go meet a couple friends of mine…
Phases: Bye Stranger… Call me later okay?
Stranger: sure thing babe! Dreamer, it was good seeing you outside school
Dreamer: wish the feeling was mutual *mocking smile and looks back at that hideous picture of the anorexic chick*
Stranger: you’re not gonna make this easy for me are you? That’s ok… a guy always loves the challenge. Later

He walks out of starbucks and disappears into the mass of people outside…
Damn… he even looked good walking away…

Phases: you could have been nicer to him you know… he didn’t do anything to you…
Dreamer: I think you’ve lost your mind… is his toxic aftershave killing of your brain cells? Seriously you talk to me as if we’ve never talked about guys like him…
Phases: yeah well I like him…
Dreamer: Fine… Good for you… just make sure he doesn’t throw away your heart after he walks all over it when he’s done…
Phases: wow… you should write a book
Dreamer: I’m working on it

Both girls go home thinking about the same guy but in entirely different ways…
Phases was thinking about her wedding dress and naming their kids…
Dreamer was thinking about throwing something at him which would hurt him but not mess up his handsome face…

I swear it’s like we never talk anymore he said sadly…
I’m sorry but I’ve been really busy and all…
Yeah you keep saying that
I’m sorry
Yeah you said
I need to go to sleep I’ve got school tomorrow
Ok. Goodnight
Night

What is wrong with me?
I need to see someone? A professional…
This is mental!!!
I’m throwing away the best thing that ever happened to me… maybe… I think…
Fine by me as long as I get to see him walk away…

Liar Liar...

She found him to be arrogant and cocky… one of those guys you would try to avoid while walking down the street…
Apparently he could have any girl he set his eyes on whether the girl was attracted to him was beside the point.
He would look at her occasionally and hold her gaze…
Oh how stubborn she was… she wouldn’t look away unless he did it first.
Were they playing games from the start? Were they both knowingly preparing to become more than just strangers?
He was a lion eyeing his prey and just as a lion it was in his nature to go in for the kill

Stranger: what’s your name?

She looks up from her book… stares at him, trying so hard to keep her face from turning red…
Could he see right through her cuz the moment she looked at him for what seemed like an hour he smiled… that charming crooked smile and repeated his question this time coming closer to her and barely whispering…

Stranger: you know… I will find out your name whether you want me to or not I mean we do go to the same school, cant be that hard now can it?
Dreamer: well then… no point in you asking me…
She gave him a mocking smile and turned back to her book hoping to God he would walk away immediately.
She took a deep breath and pretended to be reading her book, just in case he was still standing there…
Was he still looking? Damn it… I should have let my hair down today… it always looked better bouncing around my shoulders… is my eyeliner smudged? I should have added more lip gloss when I went to the bathroom…
Why did she care so much?
Did it really matter to her how she looked to him?
She went home that day thinking about him with a shameful smile on her face…

The phone rings… she looks at his name and the smile fades but the shame stayed with her all day… she didn’t pick up… she didn’t pick up for the next 3 days…

Where have you been I’ve missed you he said… sounding concerned and anxious
I’ve been around… been busy with school work really… its killing me… you know being a senior and all she so calmly lied.
When did she become such a good liar? Yeah well… everyone is capable of lying as long as they have something they want to hide.

When was it a crime to be attracted to someone? She wasn’t married…
Hell… she wasn’t even engaged…
She wasn’t doing anything wrong… she wasn’t hurting anybody…
Or was she?

Enter Stranger…

Shouldn’t she have felt unbelievable joy when saying the words I love you?
She loved him didn’t she? Isn’t that why she said it to him? Or could she be so cruel as to say I love you and not mean it?
No she must have felt something or else these words wouldn’t have escaped her lips…
Lengthy conversations online turned into phone calls… mostly him calling her… but never the less she answered those phone calls and engaged him in conversations that not only made him feel closer to her but made him if possible love her even more.
She never mentioned this so called relationship to her best friend… how could she… she didn’t even know what she was doing… except maybe gradually building up her ego…
She was always known for being honest and straight forward yet somehow she couldn’t bring herself to tell him that she didn’t really know what she was feeling…
Then again what did she know about love? what it was or even what it felt like… so she lied to herself… she said she loved him… and believed it
He spoke about marriage and the perfect honeymoon and he even went as far as picking out baby names…
She was dumbstruck she couldn’t just scream out STOP although she wanted to, the small white lies she thought hurt no one started to show their scars on him and it was becoming harder for her to pull free from the web she had so carelessly woven.
But she kept thinking maybe I do love him maybe I’m just being overwhelmed by all this attention and care from one person.
She was the youngest of her siblings and quite accustomed to being taken care off although with her personality she didn’t need that care…
She somehow found it a sign of weakness maybe a sign of defeat when she said the words “I need help”
Good God she thought to herself I am quite messed up…
Maybe the love would have grown inside her if only they had more time but alas fate is quite cruel… the moment she felt comfortable enough with him the moment she felt at ease with what she chose to believe, in walks the person that would turn her world upside down…
In walks the person that would make her feel things she never knew she could… make her wonder bout things she never knew existed…
Walks in a stranger she never imagined to care for.

It started like any other day…

He had doomed their relationship even before it started.
He had placed her high up on a pedestal refusing to believe that she like many others before her is capable of making mistakes, capable of falling apart and most of all capable of hurting someone whether or not she intended to or not.
For so long it had been easy for them to talk, about anything and everything…
He mistook the ease they had between them as something more, maybe something meant to be.
She on the other hand only saw him as a friend, a person to talk to when no one else was around to flirt with.
She never assumed that made her a bad person, what was innocent flirting from time to time but harmless fun, she never expected anybody to take it seriously… well anybody that knew her as well as he did.
He might have been looking for something special but at her young age she was only looking for fun and gossip. The thought of something serious never crossed her mind not until a much later time in her life.
He spoke to her with such passion and care, making sure he said the right things at the right time and never had he ever made her uncomfortable or uneasy.
He asked her one day casually if she had her eyes on someone… someone that made her heart flutter the way she made his, off course the last part was never said out loud he made sure all his feelings were tucked away where she couldn’t even have guessed… something to do with being vulnerable and maybe an easy target to being hurt and walked all over by rejection.
She laughed at the thought of something serious and told him all she wanted to do was have fun.
How that translated in his mind as “you’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with” was beyond her as after that day he confessed his undying love for her from the moment he set eyes on her.
She stared at the computer screen in awe… thinking to herself thank God for technology… thank God he cant see the look of complete shock on my face, thank God I can so easily appear offline and blame it on bad connection and forget it ever happened but something in her wanted to hear more… something in her was somehow longing to hear those exact words… maybe it was the part of her she so desperately hid from everyone, the soft side of her… the not so independent girl who could do everything alone and never needed anyone’s help… she shook her head and blamed those last thoughts on temporary insanity and resumed staring at her screen.
He stared at the screen waiting for her to say something but was feeling too anxious to wait… maybe she misunderstood maybe she didn’t get the message and what if something went so horribly wrong.
So he continued typing… not knowing that the more he typed the harder it was for her to ignore… the more he said the harder it was for her to let go… the more he confessed the crappier she felt about letting him down.
I love you…
And not like a sister but as something more… I’ve always felt it…
What the hell !!! how could she have missed that !!! how could such strong feelings be mistaken for friendship… she was working her brain for something to say…
I want you to be mine and mine alone…
I want to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you… I want to sweep u off your feet and make u feel like the princesses you are… I want to love you… please let me love you…
She looked at the screen and thought to herself
What the fuck is wrong with me… this guy was telling her what every girl dreams about being told
This guy was telling her what girls her age would only imagine that someone would tell them
He was opening up to her and all she could think about was oh please God make it stop I don’t know what to do I don’t know what to say… rewind rewind rewiiiiind !!!!!
He got the message she was trying to send with her silence and typed with sadness
It’s fine etha u don’t feel the same way, I understand it was never part of your plans but I want you to know that there is no one else for me out there and I will wait for you… however long it takes for you to accept that no one will love you the way I can, that no one would appreciate you the way I can…
So many mixed emotions…
Anger for one was bubbling inside her… who the hell does he think he is !!! how could he so selfishly tell her all that and expect her to just drop everything she had and run into his welcoming arms…
Wait a minute… what the hell is wrong with me… I’m angry at guy for loving me? I’m angry at a guy for telling me he had feelings for me?
Ok… calm down you stupid child… and focus
She typed slowly… checking and rechecking what she was typing just in case she was too harsh… or too forward…
Somehow the thoughts in her head weren’t the words she typed, the thoughts in her head were being masked by something much stronger…
I love you too…